Stop Reading! Your Computer is Making You Ugly

According to this month’s Elle magazine, anyway.

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Despair slithered down my spine as I read Sophie Beresiner’s description of how the “stealth youth drainer” (i.e. computer) I work on was slowly sucking the freshness from my face like Michelle Pfeiffer’s witch in Stardust. Et tu, laptop? Here’s how:

• Beresiner kindly asks if I’m sitting comfortably. WELL STOP, she continues. It’s giving you wrinkles.
• The computer is chucking free radicals at your face. What are they, anyway? Who knows, but they’re ageing you too.
• Are you using a phone? Gross! It’s dirty and will give you spots.
• The actual air of your office is probably air-conditioned and is ageing you. Sorry.
• You had a sandwich for lunch? A sandwich that you bought? Disgusting. Pre-prepared sandwiches and salads are “dead foods”. They’re giving you spots too.
• Your face is ageing your face. It’s your resting face. You probably frown all the time – go on, I bet you do. According to a “skincare expert” your bitchy resting face creates a “focus mould” for your facial muscles and they get stuck there. You know, like when the wind changes and your ugly face gets stuck forever.

Gosh, thank you Sophie. I didn’t realise my precious beauty was in such terrible danger. But what’s the solution?

Well, apart from buying a Chanel moisturising spray for £44 and drinking chlorophyll powder, it seems all I have to do is… go for a walk at lunchtime. Oh really? That’s all?

Boring. Chanel and chlorophyll all the way.