I’d like to recommend Suri’s Burn Book to anyone who hasn’t yet seen it, but I have a niggling feeling that it might not be totally OK to enjoy this website.
After all, it’s an adult (Allie Hagan) pretending to be Suri Cruise, and in that character passing cutting judgements on the appearances of other celebrity children. Of course, it is a satire that highlights how ridiculous it is to analyse paparazzi photos of famous people, in the hope that we can criticise them till they seem acceptably imperfect.
For instance, ‘Suri’ captions a picture of Sandra Bullock with her adopted son Louis, “On a boat, in Venice, with two Oscar-winning actors, one of whom was George Clooney, and Louis Bullock is still irritated with life. I love him.”
Or, with a photo of Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale with their kids: “It’s Zuma Rossdale’s birthday, and he celebrated in Superman pajamas. On my fifth birthday, I wore Prada and supervised a dignified party game, but I guess to each their own. At least Kingston understands how I feel.”
And then: “Apple Martin is the Tilda Swinton of the celebrity child community. (She’s weird.)”
And it’s very funny. But I’m still not sure it’s OK. And I am not the only one to think this: The Daily Beast and The Washington Post have also posed the question. So I have drawn up a list of pros and cons, and hope that you can help me reach a morally respectable conclusion.
- It’s useful to have such a satire to remind us not to read the Daily Mail’s Sidebar of Shame.
- Suri is depicted as being pretty cool in an ironic sort of way.
- Her criticisms of fellow celebrity children are absurd rather than cruel.
- Katie Holmes hasn’t sued them yet, so it can’t be that bad.
- It sort of works as a substitute for the Daily Mail’s Sidebar of Shame.
- Suri is, in fact, a real person whose identity has been hijacked for comedy purposes.
- The kids featured on the website are also real people, and don’t really need more scrutiny.
- We probably shouldn’t encourage the paparazzi to take pictures of said children.
- Why hasn’t Katie Holmes sued them yet? There’s a published book now and everything.
Oh dear, this isn’t really the result I was hoping for. But please cast your votes and help me decide!
**The Armpit Song** by Siwan Clark is a most welcome antidote to Ms Cyrus and her twerking this week – thanks to Tamsin for the link.
However, I reckon there are more parts to the process of beautifying than Siwan could fit in her song, so I have taken it upon myself to write some extra verses:
Oh my God, I’ve plucked my brows unevenly,
I’ve coloured them back in and now I look like
Cara Delevigne Liam Gallagher;
And Oh my God, my face needs serum and
Essence and primer now there’s
Superprimer too, and I don’t know
What these things are,
But they’re £50 a jar,
And then they’re covered with foundation
And with setting spray and powder to
Make sure you cannot see my face at all…
Oh my God, my face needs contouring,
Which means inventing cheekbones with
Three shades of powder, a
Bronzer and a blusher and
And Oh my God, I need five shades
Of eyeshadow, two sets of
Fake lashes and some very scary glue;
And Oh my God, my eye is full of
Liquid eyeliner, it’s really not
A feline flick at all…
But at least you cannot see my face at all.
And as Siwan says, who is brave enough to take a stand against this on their own? I took a stand against plucking my eyebrows. Just one thing, but it was easier than I expected, so that’s something.
According to this month’s Elle magazine, anyway.
Despair slithered down my spine as I read Sophie Beresiner’s description of how the “stealth youth drainer” (i.e. computer) I work on was slowly sucking the freshness from my face like Michelle Pfeiffer’s witch in Stardust. Et tu, laptop? Here’s how:
- Beresiner kindly asks if I’m sitting comfortably. WELL STOP, she continues. It’s giving you wrinkles.
- The computer is chucking free radicals at your face. What are they, anyway? Who knows, but they’re ageing you too.
- Are you using a phone? Gross! It’s dirty and will give you spots.
- The actual air of your office is probably air-conditioned and is ageing you. Sorry.
- You had a sandwich for lunch? A sandwich that you bought? Disgusting. Pre-prepared sandwiches and salads are “dead foods”. They’re giving you spots too.
- Your face is ageing your face. It’s your resting face. You probably frown all the time – go on, I bet you do. According to a “skincare expert” your bitchy resting face creates a “focus mould” for your facial muscles and they get stuck there. You know, like when the wind changes and your ugly face gets stuck forever.
Gosh, thank you Sophie. I didn’t realise my precious beauty was in such terrible danger. But what’s the solution?
Well, apart from buying a Chanel moisturising spray for £44 and drinking chlorophyll powder, it seems all I have to do is… go for a walk at lunchtime. Oh really? That’s all?
Boring. Chanel and chlorophyll all the way.
Whenever a story crops up about a sexual or sexist attack in which the (female) victim is accused of wearing the kind of clothes that ‘ask for it’, I always feel that one important point is never made. Although the argument that women really should be able to wear what they like without incurring ‘justified’ rape ought to be enough to end the discussion (if only!), I think there is more to be said on the clothing choices available to girls and women.
Now, I know I am not the only person who has purchased a lovely summer dress, which looked absolutely fine in the changing room, only to find that once you start walking around in it the skirt is barely swishing over your buttocks. Or the difficulty in finding tops with a neckline high enough to cover your bra. Or a shirt for work that is not completely see-through. I mean, seriously, why would you ever want a see-through shirt?
And yes, if you are concerned by these things you can choose to wear something modest like trousers and a shirt – oh wait.
Choice is a funny thing. It is very easy for a rape apologist to say that women can just choose to wear clothes that cover their bits up and then, erm, there will be no more rape. However, if you cast a critical eye over the window displays of clothes shops aimed at young and youngish women, you will see an overwhelming dominance of teeny skirts, skintight jeans, low-cut tops, see-through blouses, backless dresses, hotpants and this summer – God forbid – crop tops. These are the clothes that girls and women are encouraged to wear by adverts, magazines and the celebrities who unfortunately function as role models. Add to that the immense pressure to be hot and sexy and it no longer seems like a simple choice for a sixteen-year-old girl to wear a polo neck and bootcut jeans from Marks and Spencer.
If there is a better solution than safety pins and opaque tights then I for one would like to hear it.